Amend

I got up to mend my amends:
I tilted your life off center
by my ceaseless disorganization.
My putting things off is a technique
that allows me to avoid work.
Play my way to success never worked.
Play is doing what I want to do which
I confused with life: making a living
can’t be put off if you wish to remain sane
in this world. I guess I thought I was
not of this world, something special,
stubborn in other words. I’m
sorry. To have damaged another’s hopes
so I can have my way, is an irretrievable
loss to both of us and I am truly sorry.
All I can do now is pick up the pieces
of a puzzle of chaos I brought on myself
by playing the I’ll-do-it-some-other-time game.
Mañana. I took it to heart. I took a cultural prop
that’s really a prejudice, and used it as my excuse.
Being sorry doesn’t answer what can I do
to make anything better. I affected someone
dearest to me, badly, shifting my obligation
onto you. And now
I’m retired ha-ha, from the job I never really had.
Please help me to take on more burden, somehow.
As a Higher Power in the scheme of things
flows in, let it help us
prosper, more healthful and helpful to you.
More directing and useful to me. Guide us
to a grounded sanity. And help me with
this lazy lack of focus.
Forgiveness, so far unobtainable,
come into my life. Today. This way. Out.
I am truly sorry for the wrong I have done.
What next is what there is for us.


/our 34th anniversary, 2Dec2002